Don't Say Goodbye
by VietAngel
Summary: AshaLogan friendship. A much needed perspective on their relationship.


**Title:** Don't Say Goodbye  
**Author:** VietAngel  
**Rating:** PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)  
**Summary: **Logan/Asha friendship. A much needed perspective on their relationship.

**Disclaimers: ** The usual...Cameron & Eglee blah, blah, blah.

* * *

"Here's the information you needed," Asha said tiredly, placing the envelope on Logan's desk.

"Thanks," he said, never bothering to turn away from the computer screen. He was frantically typing, and Asha assumed he was hard at work on a new mission.

"Goodbye Logan," she said with a sigh, as she turned to leave.

"Wait, I'm working on this new case and I'm going to need--" he started, finally tearing his eyes away from the screen. Her appearance caused him to stop mid sentence. Her usually stylishly tousled hair and neat clothing were both wildly messy. She was wearing track pants and a wrinkled t-shirt, both much too large for her lithe frame, and she was also cradling her painfully swollen wrist.

It wasn't her appearance that bothered him the most; it was the look in her eyes and the tone in her voice when she said goodbye. Asha's normally vibrant blue eyes were dark and dead, and there was something so final about her goodbye. It was as if something had broken within the very depths of her soul, and Logan didn't like it one bit.

"Asha what's wrong?" he asked.

"I-it's just, I'm so tired," she said softly, dropping her head and fingering the locket around her neck. Something in her voice told him it was more than just physical exhaustion. That locket, it looked familiar to him but he couldn't quite place it. Finally it clicked-he realized why both her locket and clothes were familiar to him.

"Dade," he whispered. He immediately went to Asha and wrapped his arms around her.

Asha hissed in pain as her wrist was pressed between their bodies, and Logan pulled back.

"I think it might be broken," he said as he carefully lifted and examined her wrist, "Sweetie what did you do?"

"Punched a wall," she said with a shrug.

"Why did you do that? I know it's Dade's birthday and that's always a hard day for you, but I haven't seen you like this since his funeral," he said.

"I'm just so tired Logan. I'm tired of everything. I don't even know why I do what I do anymore-the S1W, what's it all for? Nothing ever changes, he's dead and it was all for nothing. I miss him so much. I, I just give up," she said. There it was again, that finality in her voice. 'No way, she would never even think-she wouldn't do that, would she?' he thought to himself.

"Asha you said goodbye, you never say goodbye. You hate it," he said, "tell me you weren't really thinking about taking your own life." She didn't say anything; she just dropped her head again as tears filled her eyes. "Oh my God, you were. You were going to kill yourself! What the fuck was going through your head! Don't you EVER think something like that again! Do you understand me? NEVER!" he yelled, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her.

"No! I was thinking my brother is gone! He was all I had! What do I have to live for when my whole world died with him! He was 26 years old Logan! He had his whole life ahead of him! What, I should fight the good fight, protect the downtrodden, and save the world? Well you know what, fuck the world! Saving the world is what took him away from me! Eyes Only and the S1W can save the world-as for me, I'm not needed here," she said, as she began to sob uncontrollably.

"What the hell is going on here? I could hear yelling all the way down the hall" Max said as she entered the apartment.

"We're fine. Max could you give us a few minutes and go get the first aid kit while I talk to Asha?" Logan asked. Max hesitated a little, but the seriousness in his eyes told her she shouldn't argue with him. She nodded and did as he asked. "I'm sorry Asha," Logan whispered as soon as Max left the room, "I promised him I would take care of you if anything ever happened to him and I haven't. I let him down. I can't believe you think you're not needed; lots of people need you Asha. More importantly, I need you." Asha's sobbing had subsided and she turned away from him and went to have a seat on the sofa. He followed, taking a seat on the coffee table across from her.

"You don't need me, you have Max. She's the woman in your life and I'm just in your way. You're neither stupid nor blind so I know you see the tension between us. She doesn't know why I cling to you the way I do, she thinks I'm in love with you and she hates me for it. Maybe once upon a time that was true, but not now. You're all I have left of Dade, you were his best friend, you were like my other big brother...but I'm causing problems between you and Max, I'm tired of always being in your way," she said, tears flowing freely again.

Logan moved to sit beside her on the sofa, placing an arm around her. "I'm so sorry, I owe you an apology. I've been a horrible friend to you. You were here for me when no one else was. When I thought Max was dead, you were the one who pushed me to keep going. I've been such an asshole. The minute Max was back in my life I pushed you aside, and you've never even complained. You're like my little sister, I've known you forever-I should have noticed something was off. I should have been there for you," he said, "Dade would be so disappointed in me."

Asha didn't say anything. She was staring intently at the locket Dade had given her for her 18th birthday; he had saved up for months to buy it. She had removed the locket from her neck and was staring at the pictures inside. There was a picture of their parents on one side, and a picture of her, Dade, and Logan on the other. In the picture Dade had Logan in a playful headlock, and Asha was on Dade's back. She remembered that day vividly. It was her 16th birthday, she officially had her driver's license, and to her surprise Dade had agreed to let her drive his car. He told her she could hang out with her friends from school for her birthday, but she had wanted nothing more than to spend the day with her two brothers. She had driven them to the beach and they had spent the whole day goofing around, then they watched the sun set together and spent the night right there under the stars. It was the best day of her life. Suddenly she began to cry again.

Logan took the locket from her hands to see what had her so upset. He shed a few tears himself as he stared at the picture. He remembered that day too. He and Dade had snuck into Asha's room early that morning while she was still sleeping. With balloons and birthday cake in hand, they started to sing "Happy Birthday" at the top of their lungs, successfully waking her. The brilliant smile that appeared on her sleepy face had made their day. If they had only known Dade would be gone just five short years later, they would have tried to make that day last forever. Logan tightened his hold on Asha, trying his best to comfort her.

"I remember that day. It was one of the best days of my life. I would give anything to see you smile like you did that morning again," he said.

"I would give anything to see him again," Asha said softly. Logan sighed. He had no idea what he could do to make her feel better, to take even just a little of her pain away. It was breaking his heart to see his friend this way.

"I don't understand Asha. What happened? It was almost a year after Dade died when I saw you last, and you seemed to be dealing well. What happened between then and coming to Seattle that made you this way?" he asked. She sighed and pulled a pill bottle from her pocket, then handed it to Logan.

"Antidepressants? Since when?" he asked, his face full of confusion.

"Since a few weeks after Dade's funeral. This isn't the first time I've thought about suicide Logan, but it is the first time I haven't even gotten close to succeeding," she said. She watched as Logan's expression changed from confusion, to anger, to sadness. He felt like a failure for never knowing. Asha, Dade and he had once been close enough to practically read each other's minds, now he didn't know what was going on in her head.

"Where was I and why didn't I know? Why didn't you come talk to me?" he questioned.

"It was that time I told you I needed to be alone and would be away for a few days," she answered, "I went to the beach, took a bunch of pills, and washed them down with vodka. Someone found me there passed out and called an ambulance. I've been on antidepressants ever since, but I stopped taking them a little over a month ago. Partially because they're hard to come by and I can't afford them, and partially because they only delayed my feelings instead of getting rid of them."

"Why didn't you talk to me?" he said as he laced his fingers with hers.

"I didn't think you'd understand. I know you lost your parents and you know what it feels like to lose someone close to you, but you didn't lose everything you had. Dade was all I had. I loved my parents, but they died when I was so young. Dade was the one who was always there for me. We went from foster home to foster home and he never let us get separated, he kept me safe from perverted old men who were willing and ready to get their hands on a young innocent little girl. He's the one who got me out of that hell and took care of me on his own since I was 12 years old. He worked his ass off to put himself through college and me through high school. He was so much more to me than just a brother Logan. He was my best friend, and the only father figure I've ever known. I may be still walking and breathing, but the Asha you knew died with him," she said.

"You right, I wouldn't understand...not unless I lost you. I know I've neglected you lately, and no amount of apology could make up for that. Asha, you're the only link I have left to that part of my past. The times I spent with you and Dade were some of the happiest moments of my life. You're the only other person in the world who knows what those times were like. You're my only link to Dade too. Sometimes you're so much like him it's scary. You're the closest thing I've ever had to a little sister, and I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you kid," he said, kissing her hand and pulling her into a hug.

"Promise me you won't do anything drastic. Please Asha, promise me you'll come talk to me whenever you start feeling like this. I know I get wrapped up in my work but I don't care what I'm doing, if I try to brush you off yell at me, hit me, whatever you have to do to make me listen...just talk to me," he said. Asha nodded her head in agreement as she sniffled and wiped the tears from her eyes. "You know he loved you more than anything in the world. He would hate to know that he caused you this kind of pain. He's not gone, you know he could never leave you. Just because you can't see or hear him, doesn't mean he's not with you. He'll always be with you," Logan said. Asha just smiled.

Max had retrieved the first aid kit long ago, but decided not to interrupt their conversation. She didn't mean to eavesdrop, but her enhanced hearing kicked in. She was shocked to find out the things Asha had been through. Asha put up a good front. She hid her feelings well; by looking at her, you would think she'd never known any real pain in her life. But one good look in her eyes would tell a much different story. Hearing Logan and Asha's conversation, she discovered that she and Asha had a lot more in common than she'd ever imagined. She felt bad about her jealously and the way she treated Asha, now that she knew what Asha's relationship with Logan was all about.

Logan was still hugging Asha when Max returned with the first aid kit. "Thanks Max," he said, as she handed it to him. "Asha, you should put some ice on that first. I'll get it," he said and made his way to the kitchen. Max took a seat beside Asha and pulled the necessary supplies from the first aid kit. The fell into an uncomfortable silence until Max finally decided to break it.

"You know you're not my favorite person, but my life would certainly be a lot less fun without you around to pick on." Max said, as Logan returned with the ice. "Oh, and Asha? Logan isn't the only one good at listening," she said. Asha smiled slightly and she and Max shared a look of understanding. Logan smiled and mouthed "thank you" to Max, as he helped Asha take care of her wrist.

"Logan?" Asha said, "I promise." He smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead, knowing exactly what she meant.

**Fin.**


End file.
